So many of us get involved in the great parenting debate over what gender is more challenging to raise that we are in danger of overlooking a more serious issue: what is the best way to bring boys up to be honorable and respectful men?
I speak from experience, not only as a mother of two boys (and two girls) but also as a psychologist who has spent decades working with boys and men. While it may appear easier for parents to raise boys due to the lower levels of outward drama, it is certainly not easy for boys to navigate their scary and lonely inner landscape.
I have heard first-hand the pain, suffering, hurt and anxieties of boys and men who have been brought up with the notion that ‘big boys don’t cry.’ These are males who have spent years in quiet anguish as they were applauded for being emotionally detached and ridiculed for even the smallest expression of emotion. They feel fear, anxiety, sorrow, grief, panic, loneliness and shame, but they don’t feel they can talk to anyone about it. Emotionally blocked and silently suffering, these are the lost boys of the 21st century.
As much as popular culture would have us believe that boys are tough, cape-wearing, unemotional ‘superheroes,’ in reality they are as emotionally fragile as girls. Just because they’re not as outwardly expressive doesn’t mean that they don’t have complicated emotions that run just as deep. And just because they are seen as the ‘stronger’ sex doesn’t mean that they don’t have weaknesses and vulnerabilities.
We are raising our boys to conceal their emotions, and we are teaching them that anger shows strength and sadness shows weakness. It’s not only a bad idea, I believe it’s dangerous. In the UK, for example, research revealed that there’s a marked gender gap in university admissions and fewer males are choosing to study for a degree. Also, there are three times as many male drug users as women.
Many psychologists believe that a reluctance to express their emotions openly is a significant factor in these statistics and that we are setting our boys up to bury their feelings in alcohol, drugs and other unhealthy avenues. This is not just the case in the UK, it’s a worldwide phenomenon. Our boys are drowning in their own emotions.
We need to look at what we’re doing to raise healthy, emotionally intelligent and fully engaged boys. How? By helping them to build an emotional vocabulary from a very young age. We need to teach our boys that it’s okay to cry when they are hurt, to be sad when they lose and to grieve when someone leaves or dies. Instead of brushing their feelings under the carpet and telling them to ‘Be a big boy and wipe away those tears’, we need to encourage them to reflect on and express their pain and sadness. In order to do this in the best way, we have to be conscious of how society at large has fashioned our own ideas of masculinity.
Our boys need to understand that pouring out their emotions does not make them less masculine. Ultimately, this will make them more self-aware, emotionally resilient and capable of expressing both positive and negative feelings. Most importantly, it will make them authentically happy.
As a mother, it has been important for me to be a solid rock for my sons, even against my instincts. Instead, I have chosen to let them see me as vulnerable. I have let them see me cry, hurt, suffer, grieve and feel. I have spent time with my sons talking about my feelings and theirs. I have shared my internal struggles, moral dilemmas, wrongdoings and mistakes. I have let them see the whole being that is their mother. In doing this, I will have hopefully modeled for them the courage it takes to live life with integrity, authentically and to its fullest.